lilly, when you wrote me, the older sister in me wants to show you that not winning the train job because the mean girls sabotaged you, wants to prove to you that yeah that sucks but maybe you can get back at them by finding something BETTER than trains…but that’s only a momentary thought because once you’re off scaring the hell out of yourself to do only what you’d do in your wildest dreams, you get that out of body experience and you may ask yourself, “WELL, HOW DID I GET HERE?” but this is what you’d wanted so you keep going because it’s a dare you made to yourself and you don’t wanna punk out on yourself because you’ll know…
and then it’ll all be over and you’ve gotta do it again and how far will you get?
if you just want to do the backstroke in life that’s cool, that’s on you. but me? as Mark Lammers used to say about wasting his talents and knowledge, “stop it! that’s like taxiing a 747 around the corner!” it’s a waste.
so the fires have cracked me open and i caved and tried to do John Michael Greer’s “Sacred Geometry Oracle Deck” to get a clear answer whether i’m in or out and i got nothing! only vagueness that forced ME to think about how I’M GOING TO MAKE THE FUTURE!
at least that’s what i got. whether both cards …well, there were three readings even though i know you’re not supposed to go back for more because you mess it up. on the contrary, they each essentially sent me back to the chalkboard to do the math myself. it wouldn’t tell me.
why three ? first time i realized two card had fallen on floor out of the deck. foul on that reading! second one did the same… made me think about balance and harmony, which to me is still about envisioning so that you may empathize and find harmony.
but how do you find harmony in a world trying to bludgeon your skull against a log? ah! therein lies the puzzle.
i write naked ugly and afraid so you know i’m not faking a thing because we don’t have that kinda time to get to know each other on the fly. life is too fast. no playing footsie and being coy. that comes later in person.
but i’m on all fours with the speculum so you’ll introduce me to your parents by the second date.
i know. i have NO idea what’s romantic, right? oh, but i DO!
harmony. because that’s what everyone REALLY wants, especially now. before you invest and find out you’re being invited onto Maury to see if the baby’s yours.
there is no normal. you all are pretending.
back to lilly… first tier brujas love mad hard and right away. they don’t need you on all fours with the speculum to make sure their YOUR love is well-placed. we dare. and if we’re the “sucker” we know we’re hardly the sucker because of how it feels to be the one doing all the LOVING. it’s not selfless… it feels GLORIOUS!
anyhow, lilly… your offers to me to go to you in austraila… WOW.. that’s mad love and i’ll look at Patrick’s film later.. i’m in a mad state… but i loved the beginning and music but i’m not able to FOCUS on images right now… i’m all thougts madness and emotions…
but i think YOU have to dream mad. bigger. crazy. all that loved about working at the charity shop and holding aside cool things and sending me hot pink silk…
you offering me to go to your land… WOW…
take that off me and turn it to OTHERS plural for something. that was quite a beautiful offer and since Patrick’s crazy wild, too (i’m loving the soundtrack a lot, too),… why not together? it’d have to be.. but a lot of people are lonely and wanna LIVE…
when i was 10 and ran away to Gloria’s and she danced and went to that other world during Peter Brown’s “do you wanna get funky with me” and we all were in awe… she was lost and wearing a tube top and over sized denim over alls and nothing nasty and that was mad hot because she was Woman and Gone and a Goddess to me for real…
but i wanted to go where SHE was and i was afraid. all my life i sat on my hands… didn’t wanna let go… be ridiculed because girls never want you to out sex them so they shred you to put you in your place WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? SHE THINKS SHE’S CUTE…
and she IS and WAS and it was more than CUTE it was TAKE ME WITH YOU! WAIT!
but you have to ask for it yourself. as Mikey said about why we didn’t wanna give James’ FZ1 to his 20-something brother who lives at home: “you’ve gotta buy your own death.” it’s too much bike for a kid still living at home and he could kill himself. you’ve gotta know what you’re getting into and BUY it yourself.
that’s what we’re saying.
so you have to earn and fight and sweat and embarrass yourself into a more truer existence..but then it’s not embarrassing because you’re in 11th grade and it’d be silly as hell worrying about what 3rd graders think of you. no way!
alpha stuff. never let ’em get you down for long.
always find a more interesting defiance. re-write the rhyme. the story.
imagination involves scaring the shit out of yourself. you’ve gotta get off on defying the ridicule look past the rolled eyes. and see the ones who say MORE! MORE! MORE!
but James is dead and the bell jar is broken and i’m up against sweaty humanity like in a crowded subway car but i don’t like it. corners chains and pain everywhere.
so you’ve gotta incorporate your ability to take a punch and turn it into a pat on the back: you’re doing good, kid. you knew what you signed up for when you chose this way early on. no turning back once you get a taste for the bitter adrenaline flooding your mouth.
that’s where i’m at now.
i’m scared to death because James died from all this. i could go next. it’s not just talk. this is the test. am i full of it? or lilly… this IS Jesus stuff.
they’d kill Gloria for dancing like that because they know she was with God. she was in the spirit.
sometimes we fall for the sleaze. that’s because they’re all broken people cast out and to survive sometimes we become the devils they told us we were when we were little. they said that because they felt guilty for hurting and breaking us. we were too clean and somehow they knew we’d always forgive.
and we DID. forgive we did again and again.
because the Jesus part is how we loved them anyway before we were told we’re only supposed to feel hate for them. we saw their humanity and heart even as they were acting monstrously. that’s Jesus complicated love that most regular normies cannot even fathom.
if they could they wouldn’t show up for work in such a system. the pellets are enough.
but if they’d seen Gloria dance, they’d KNOW instantly the pellets aren’t enough. there’s gold in them thar hills.
you’re not the sucker of AnYTHING when you can dance like that and go where she went. i know because when i died as i was and was cancelled in 2011 and wanted to die, i DID die as i was …
i wanted to go back east and cause trouble and suicide out THAT way. but James said, “stay here. i’ll take care of you.”
i didn’t wanna foist what would be intense drama onto James but i couldn’t live as i’d been. i couldn’t pretend be quiet behave anymore…
i said so: “if i stay… i can’t behave.”
and he put his head down, actually thought a moment because he knew enough to know what might be involved, and he nodded and said, “okay.”
because i’d never danced when i was young out in public much because the women scowled disapprovingly and the men paid too much attention. and no way would i do it out in public because i was young and it was hard trying to be raped all the time anyhow.
but now i didn’t want anything anyone was selling me. i knew it was rancid. i wanted to go where Gloria went or my life would have been a waste of regret. i was no superhero to myself unless i could not care about what ANYONE thought and dance in the sun…
like no one was watching.
and that was that. i started dancing like Gloria in public in the sun all over san francisco or ANYWHERE and everywhere we went when James would go kite boarding or we’d go on errands. it was The Red Shoes and i was electrified by dancing and i couldn’t stop. i danced on my back steps in the moon and i learned how to read minds again like when i was little.
at first i was nervous but you fake confidence for a few seconds and real confidence takes over. especially when it makes people happy enough to make their heads explode.
why? because they see what i saw when Gloria was dancing in the kitchen in her overalls and tube top at age 16. the guys were on the floor stoned, looking up like they’d died and were in heaven, and i was in front of her. i got the full message.
but i wouldn’t open it til my forties.
so glad i did it.
own it and you get away with anything you wanna put out about yourself and who you wanna be. but also make fun of it. don’t own it too much. that’s a trap.
so there it is… dancing like Gloria coming up on age 57 hell yeah. my knee’s on the comeback thanks to Scotlyn. i was sad about cutting it up to make it do more.
i write this lilly so you can see the work behind my audacity …my defiance and pride and not wanting to be gotten the better of. i’m the elder sister and i’ll only be gotten the better of with my consent.
so that often means leave and change the game and start your own.
that’s what i’m really telling you.
start your own. and that means dive into the madness a little more because when you can love like you do to a stranger? keep going. spread out what you offered to me to OTHERS near and someone will answer.
you are protected by your sincerity, to tell the truth. people who hustle get itchy pissed off and ungrounded and will take themself out of the game.
i see Jesus’ deeds but it’s another thing to try and look over the heads of the ones trying to kill you.
go beyond the trains is what i’m saying. a new world is being birthed NOW as i write and you read this and it’d suck to bump into someone like me and not start coasting on my backdraft to try your own thing.
i’m trying to start a new vibe. people are famished for what we know how we love what we do.
just THINK. my ideas may take years to manifest… i’m just getting clearer on the direction and goals. what i’m going for and can pull off with the energy and life i’ve got.
you may have to be creative and start your own fights by being more yourself to crack your own acorns in the fire you cause.
and back to the cards in the sacred geometry oracle deck: the balance and harmony they spoke of and putting the onus on ME to create the story i want, it empowers me but forces me to third-way “what else?’ thinking as we’re prisoners of their boring binary everything.
that’s a LIE. it’s our job to point that out. our job to dance like Gloria and remind them. it’s not enough to write or TELL… we have to actually dare to GO there and get lost. we have to go first. not just wish someone else will.
i invite others who’re following in this general direction, the same dare.
i said now that James was dead, i first said, “i’ll never have a good conversation again.” then the next morning i promised i would BE the good conversation by going naked. if anyone is bored or rolls eyes, GOOD! let’s not waste each others’ time and move along.
it saves so much time being yourself from jump. then you can give your beloveds the best and spoil them because they’re the …first tier brujas. like you, Temporary Reality, Ellen, Scotlyn, my reader friends who’re coming back into my life, as well as my mom and sister. And more I know and have yet to know… you’re all with me and that’s how I know how powerful eternal and timeless… and truly dangerous this perspective is because it does have the power to change the world because we’d need no kings and we would rule ourselves.
so don’t ask for permission to love how you love. spray it where you are and you will be protected. the brighter it is the more the devils will lurch backwards and away. yes. they may try to eradicate you and ruin your life. (shrug)
we’re in a world where the pussies and assholes are in control and want to crush life for showing them up. it’s part of the game. no one said it was easy.
that’s why this is Jesus stuff. if they’re gonna do that to him and by all accounts he was a lot nicer than we are, and they ravaged the man. we’re not gonna get treated too much better if we go too far with this being defiantly happy creative and loving thing.
good night, lilly. and anyone else following in this general direction.
there’s gonna be pain. it’s birthing pains. count on pissing people off. especially the ones who love you the most. when you change you upend everything others think they know about how this life thing works and no one wants to go back and re-do the math. not until they come back from the dead and realize the other stuff was 3rd grade kids’ stuff.
good luck out there. look over the heads of the ones trying to strangle you to death.
x
erika